Lú Screws With Canon
by The Ladies of Arda
Summary: 3 girlz go to m-e plz reed ppl its not wat u think! No, really. It isn't.
1. Oh no they didn't!

Somewhere in a darkened room, lit only by the glow of a computer screen, a dark haired girl sits and thinks.  
Scary things happen when this girl thinks.  
Slowly, she walks across the room and sits down in front of the computer, intent on performing a little experiment. . .   
"hi" she types, "my name is carwilwarinwen . . ."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
hi my name is carwilwarinwen and these r my frends vinyaerniliel and Lintefirithieth, we luv lord of the ringzz!!! legloas is hott vinyaerniliel thinks but she liks faramir better whoever that is lol we tink she is craxy!!!!! evry 1 knows aragon isthe best I Love him!!! no he isnt sas Lintfirithieth she liks berin! i havr no idee who that iz we love lord of the ringz its such a good movi but th book was borin o well it cant be that important!!!!!!!! well just watch the movies!!!!!!!! they wil tell us evrthing!!!!!! lintefirithieths sister reeds the books she says theyr gret but she is stupid, she sez arwin is a plot stealing hussy arwin is kickasss except she cant hav aragon hes MINE!!!!! she also calls legols nancy what a moron!!!!!! she told lintefirthieth about berin now lintefirithieth loves him!!!!!!! and vinyerniliel sez thers a guy namd farmir in th next movie she sez hes hot but lintefirithieths sister sez he maries some horr namd ewin what a b!tch, vinyerniliel hates her!!!!!!!! nd berin merries som1 namd loothen! Lintefirithieth hates her!!!!!!!!! vinyerniliel sez ewin suckssss!!!!!!! ok so these rnt our real nams they r elvish!!!!!!! that is so cool isnt it!!!!!!! Now read the story!!!!!!!  
  
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Carwilwarinwen was a beautiful girl with long purple hair streaked with golden hilights and beautiful greeny-silver eyes. She was very pretty, and had a perfect figure. She also had pointed ears, but she kept them hidden because people made fun of them. One day she was at the movies when she saw her two best friends Vinyaerniliel and Lintefirithieth. They were friends because they all had pointed ears like Carwilwariwen. Vinayerniliel had long silvery blonde hair and purple eyes with pink flecks. She had pale skin and never got zits, and neither did Lintefirithieth. She had black hair so long it swept the ground and her eyes were silver. All of them were very beautiful but people made fun of their ears. They didn't have many friends, and they had all been abandoned at birth.  
"Hey, what's upt?" Carwilwariwen asked.  
"Nothing. Look, its' a new poster for the Two Towers!" Vinyaerniliel said.  
"I wish Berin was in the Two Towers!" Lintefirithiel stated.  
"Who?" stated Carwilwariwen  
"Berin! He was so hot. . ." Lintefirithiel said.  
"I can't wait to see Faramir." Vinyaerniliel stated.  
"No way, Aragorn is the best! You know it!" Carwilwariwen said.  
"Look who it is!" Lintefirithiel said, pointing at a girl with a guitar. Vinyaerniliel glared at the girl. None of them liked the girl, because she'd told Vinyaerniliel she should take voice lessons.  
"She's not that good, really." Vinyaerniliel stated. Carwilwariwen and Lintefirithiel agreed. "I bet she hasn't really taken voice lessons like she says she has." She said as the girl with the guitar carefully tuned her instrument. She was so full of herself, they thought. You could see it in the way her eyes shined rapturously when she was singing and the way she held herself a little bit taller when she played music.  
"She's such a bitch." Carwilwariwen said as the girl zipped her guitar into it's case and skipped past them, humming merrily to herself.  
"Ew, look," Lintefirithiel said, seeing the Goth girl sulking in the corner, and staring at them with her big, black eyes. "Something is, like, SO totally wrong with that . . . thing!" Carwilwariwen added, as the Goth girl stalked over. She simply stared at them, before walking by. "She is so creepy! She never talks, either! And when she does, it's about blood. And death. In my opinion, she deserves her own white, padded room in the loony bin." The atmosphere around the Goth girl was depressing. No one could stand it. But she seemed happy being depressed, if there is such a thing.  
"Ignore them." Stated Vinyaerniliel as the Goth girl followed after her unlikely friend, the girl with the guitar.  
"Let's go to your house and watch the lord of the Rings!" Carwilwarien stated to Lintefirithiel.  
"Okay!" said Lintefirithiel. "Lets take a short cut through the woods. We'll get there quicker!" she pointed to the trees.  
"Okay!" they walked in.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Are you sure this is the right way?" Vinyaerniliel stated  
They had been wandering for hours. It was getting dark now.  
"I've gone through here lots of times. I don't get lost." Lintefirithiel said.  
"Are there wild animals out here?" Carwilwarien stated, looking at the trees when suddenly she fell!  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" She screamed as she fell for miles, suddenly hitting the ground. . .  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
It was light out when Carwilwarien woke up. "Where am I?" she asked, looking around. Lintefirithiel and Vinyaerniliel were on the ground unconcious.  
"Wake up!" Carwilwarien said, shaking them. Vinyaerniliel opened her purpley-pink eyes.  
"Where are we?" she said, looking around. They were in a forest by a river. It was different from the forest they had been in.  
"I remember falling," said Lintefirithiel.  
"So do I" stated Carwilwarien.  
"Excuse me," said a voice. "Who are you?"  
Carwilwarien whirled around and gasped. It was Aragorn! He stared at her with a look of shock, his eyes wide in surprise.  
"I did not know you were elfs!" he said.  
"Elfs?" they said. "We're not elfs."  
"But you have pointed ears!" Aragorn said. "I'm Aragorn."  
"I think we're at Rivindill!" Carwilwarien whispered to her friends. Suddenly there was a noise behind them and they whirled around.  
"What are THEY doing here?" Lintefirithiel said. The girl with the guitar ran past carrying her guitar case. The Goth girl followed closely behind.  
"Who cares!" Vinyaerniliel said.  
"Follow me, said Aragon. "You must come to see Lord Elronde."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Are you sure we can do this?" Legolas asked.  
"Yes, Legolas, how many times do I have to tellyou?" Elronde said to the blond elf. "I have finally discovered a way to bring Berin back to life!"  
"He will be helpful in destroying the ring." Legolas said. "I will help." The elves joined hands.  
"LLEPS DIPUTS YLLAER A SI SIHT!" Elrond yelled.  
"SEIROTS ESEHT NI OD EW FFUTS EHT EVEILEB OUY NAC!" Legolas yelled. A man appeared.  
"Who are you? Where am I?" he said.  
"Beren, I am Lord Elronde, I have brought you back to life to help destroy the ring!" Elronde said.  
"I will assist you!" said Berin.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Lintefirithiel walked around Rivendell. The elves had given her new clothes. She was wearing a long silver dress with a modestly plunging neckline and long sleeves, it had white trim. It matched her eyes perfectly. Her long black hair was put in two braids on the side tied on the back with the rest hanging down. Carwilwarien walked after her, her purple hair was curled and she was wearing a lavender dress that laced up the front it was tight and showed off her figure without bieng too tight. Vinyaerniliel was waering a white dress with gold jewelry, the fabric was long and shimmered as she walked. The elves were very nice. They said they knew their parents as well.  
"Ladies?" a soft voice said. They turned around. A she-elf was there. "Come, it is time to meet your father!" she took the girls to a big beautiful room. A dark haired elf were there.  
"Carwilwarien, Lintefirithiel, Vinyaerniliel. . ." he said. "I am your father!" they gasped. "I am Lord Elrond."  
"You are our father? We are sisters?" they said.  
"Yes! Your mother Galadriel and I had to send you away so that no evil would befall you until you were ready to come back to Rivindill!" Elrond said, crying.  
"You didn't love us!" they yelled.  
"We had to send you away! You would have been unsafe!" Elrondi nsisted. "We love you very much!"  
"We love you too!" they cried and embraced their father.  
"You must come to my council, evil has befallen the land my daughters." He said. They followed him outside when suddenly they ran into the Goth girl and the girl with the guitar.  
"Hi!" the girl with the guitar said. The Goth girl merely glared. "What are you doing here?"  
"We are Elronds daughters!" they said proudly. The girl with the guitar blinked.  
"We are going to the council of Elrond. Your not invited." They said.  
"So?" the Goth girl said, the first word she'd said to them all day. Indeed, the first word she'd said to them in a week.  
"Of course we're not!" the girl with the guitar said, as if it were obvious.  
"Don't you want to go?" Vinyaerniliel stated.  
"Heck no!" the girl with the guitar said, and she skipped away through Rivendell with the Goth girl, albeit the latter followed in a more subdued manner.  
"Lets go to the council" said Elrond. They went. to the council. Everyone from the movie was there.  
"What are these women doing here?" said Gimli the dwarf. "A council is no place for a woman!"  
"Silence, dwarf, they are my daughters!" Elrond said glaring at the dwarf.  
"Indeed, for they are the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen" said Aragorn, kissing Carwilwarien's hand. She blushed.  
"Show us the ring, Frodo." Said elrond. The hobbit brought it foreward.  
"It is evil!" Elrond said. "It must be destroyed!"  
"Why not use it to fight Sauron?" Boromir said. "We could destroy him with the ring!"  
"You can't use it, Boromir!" saiD Lintefirithiel. "It is too evil! It would overpower you!"  
"What would a mere elf know about the ring?" Boromr sneered. A handsome man stood up.  
"Do not speak evil of such a fair lady!" he said. Lintefirithiel turned. He bowed to her. "I am Beren, lady. Your beauty surpasses that of any being I have ever seen in my life." He whispered.  
"The ring must be destroyed," said Elrond "So I shall make a Fellowship Frodo must go, and Gandalf will guide him, with Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Boromir, and Beren to protect them. Sam, Merrie, and Pippen will go too."  
"We will go with you!" said the girls "we can help protect Frodo!"  
"Carwilwarien should be ring bearer." Said Aragorn. "She has strength. I can see it in her eyes."  
"Yes, Carwilwarien shall be the ring bearer!" said erlond. Everyone agreed. They set off the next day.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Beren is so nice, I like him" said Lintefirithiel  
"Aragorn is so brave and manly," said Carwilwarien. "He was very thankful when I saved him from the orc in the woods."  
"I wish Faramir wre here," said Vinyaerniliel.  
"He will be impressed when he hears how you defeated the balrogg!" said Carwilwarien. Vinyaerniliel blushed.  
"You were the one who shot gollum though!" she said.  
"But you saved Gandalf!" Carwilwarien said.  
"I don't think we should save Boromir. He's evil inside." Lintefirithiel said. The other's nodded in silent agreement. "He wants the ring."  
"He won't have it, as long as I am ring bearer" said Carwilwarien she wore the ring on her finger it did not turn her invisible.  
"We are almost at Gonder!" sed Vinyaerniliel excitedly a few days later, Bormir was dead so was Gimli "I will get to see faramer!"  
Faramir came out "Who are you?"  
"We are the Fellowship of the ring!" said gandulfe  
"I have never seen anyone so fair as you!" said Farmir to Vinyaerniliel. "You are the fairest maiden in all of gondar!"  
"Thank you," sed Vinyaerniliel Carwilwarien was talking to Aragorn  
"Carwilwarien, I have fallen in love with you." Said Aragorn. "Will you marry me?"  
"I will! I love you too!" said Carwilwarien they kissed Berin saw he went over to Lintefirithiel  
"Lintefirithiel, you are the most beautiful creature to ever exist! I love you, will you be mine forever?"  
"Oh Berin!" said Lintefirithiel. "I will love you forever!"  
Vinyaerniliel had been talking to Farimir now they were kissing "I love you, Faramer!"  
"I love you, Vinyaerniliel! We will be wed before the sunrises!" Faramir said kissing her.  
Suddenly Vinyaerniliel stopped probing her tongue around in Faramir's mouth and stood quite still. Slowly she slumped to the ground, a sword sticking out of her back. A lovely blonde woman glared at the elf maiden's prone form before turning her gaze to Faramir, who blinked slowly as if waking from a particularly vivid dream.  
"Faramir!" Éowyn cried. "You let another one cast her spell over you!"  
Faramir looked with disgust at the dead maiden. Would the horrors never cease?  
Aragorn was having trouble with his own wife.  
"How many times is this going to happen?" Arwen shrieked, directing a furious gaze at the body of Carwilwarien, who had a knife embedded in her chest. Her atrociously colored eyes stared blankly up at the elf and the man, who glared back with disgust (although even disgust could not mar the lovely features of Arwen Undomiel).  
Over by the body of Lintefirithiel (who had been strangled with what looked like a large amount of black hair), Beren and an elf maiden who surpassed even Arwen in beauty were rapidly fading out of sight.  
"It had to happen some time," Lúthien said, her beautiful eyes narrowed fiercely at the maiden. Beren agreed, slipping into the Common Tongue as he faded out of sight with his mate. The bodies of the three Mary Sues, for that is what they were, were later hauled away at the order of King Aragorn and Queen Arwen and dumped unceremoniously into the Isen. And they all lived happily ever after.  
As for the Goth girl and the girl with the guitar. . .  
The Goth girl eventually made her way to Orthanc, where she pledged her allegience to Saruman. She spent her days bossing around orcs in the gloomy surrounding, which appealed to her awfully well, all the while speaking in the Black Tongue, which she had to learn when the 'Sues stopped interfering with canon. The girl with the guitar in time learned to speak Westron and was allowed to stay with the elves at Rivendell, where she continued to pursue her love of music with the elves and eventually became a rather well respected musician. For a mortal, anyway.  
  
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Lú's note:  
  
A ha ha. In case you couldn't tell, that was a parody.  
Sort of.  
Although please do submit the flame you were no doubt constructing as you read this. Lú wanted to see how many flames she could generate with a truly atrocious Mary Sue. And let the ladies of Middle Earth do some well-deserved 'Sue arse-kicking.  
That said, please submit your flame. Lú finds them most amusing. 


	2. Moraeariel

In a dim room, on a small bed, in a rather noisy dorm, a dark-haired girl sits and _remembers . . ._

Scary things happen when this girl remembers.

And what she remembers, she hasn't thought about in years. And now, suddenly, she has an idea again.

She picks up her laptop and begins to type. She has a few minutes before percussion club. And she's not going to dinner for half an hour . . .

CHAPTER 2

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl who went to a private school for very rich kids who wore Versace sunglasses and towel dresses and paid a lot of money to look tacky. She liked to have her boyfriend over at two in the morning and played Evanescence when everyone else was trying to study, and she never seemed to do any homework. The people in the room next door called her their Dumbass Loud Hallmate and consoled themselves by thinking of how she would probably not still be in school next year, but she called herself Moraeariel, because she was an idiot.

Moraeariel was very beautiful. She wore, as has previously been stated, Versace sunglasses and towel dresses, which were very expensive and made her look like a high-class sort of homeless person, or a particularly large variety of insect. She had long blonde hair that was frizzy from being bleached and spent her Saturdays by the pool, working on her impending case of skin cancer. But what nobody knew about Moraeariel was that she was really a highly skilled assassin, trained in the mystic and ancient art of Udon, which had been taught to her by her grandfather when she was young. Moraeariel was very strong and very fast and very good at concealing a gun in her towel-dress, which would have been impressive enough on its own even if it had been a handgun and not an AK-47.

At this point in her life, Moraeariel had already taken out many high-profile targets, the deaths of which were hushed up because (once again) Moraeariel was rich, and often left lots and lots of money at the scene of the crime. This system had never failed her once, and although the FBI had already found fingerprints and hair samples and false nails painted "Passionfruit Purple Pontification" and a bloody towel dress and a library card belonging to "Bilberia T. Loontifferitz," (which was her real name), and a piece of personalized stationary that said "from the desk of Moraeariel A. Starshinedust," (which was what she said her name was) at the scene of, well, pretty much every single one of her crimes, thanks to her they also had a bitchin' new stereo system with an eight-disc changer and brand-new tires and velvet-lined bulletproof vests, and for months they'd had their eyes on an eight-wheeled extra-reinforced armored van with spinning rims and blacklighted interior with real shag carpeting and glow-in-the-dark paint on the outside that said "FBI, Bitches, word to your mother," so at that moment they told everyone they really didn't have enough evidence to convict her. And Moraeariel was thankful for the corruption inherent in the system.

However, Moraeariel was also a sensitive and thoughtful soul, who loved singing and nature and looking at the stars and her kitten Mr. Fluffles, who was her best friend in the world. Moraeariel would whisper her deepest, darkest secrets to Mr. Fluffles, and Mr. Fluffles would look at her with big brown kitteney eyes and pee on her shoes, and Moraeariel would know that she was truly loved.

As it so happened, Moraeariel was walking in the woods one day with Mr. Fluffles, her hot pink towel dress stained from her latest kill. She sat down on a rock, meaning to touch up her nails and maybe polish her AK-47, but suddenly found herself falling through a dark and endless abyss, along with Mr. Fluffles. When she landed, she found herself in an entirely different place – a barren wasteland full of rocks and dust and big giant towers, a hopeless place of despair and darkness. Moraeariel had fallen into Mordor, and standing before her was none other than the Dark Lord Sauron.

Now, Moraeariel had a thing for bad boys, so she instantly fell in love, and apparently Sauron had a thing for bloodstained towel dresses, because so did he. They promptly had mad hot monkey sex, took a cigarette break, had mad hot monkey sex again, had randy crazed monkey sex, just for some variety, and finally remembered that they hadn't actually exchanged two words, apart from "Yes!" and "Oh!" and "Your tower! It's so . . . _compensated for!_"

"What is your name?" asked Sauron, completely enamored of this foreign beauty from another world.

"My name," said Bilberia T. Loontifferitz, with a proud toss of her hair, "is Moraeariel."

"And what is that?" asked Sauron, pointing at her AK-47.

"This is a gun," said Moraeariel.

"And what is it for?" prompted Sauron.

"It is for killing things," said Moraeariel.

Sauron said "Sweet," or something similar, and promptly stole the gun from Moraeariel and blew her full of bulletholes.

"My tower ISN'T compensating," he said, rather sulkily, and wandered off to inspect his new toy.

The next day, hordes of orcs attacked Middle-earth, armed with AK-47s. However, they still lost, because the orcs turned out to be terrible shots and mostly ended up killing each other. Moraeariel's estate went to the FBI, who got their bitchin' van. And her hallmates were never disturbed at 2 in the morning again. The Goth girl from the previous chapter salvaged all the AK-47s and used them in her performance art, while the girl with the guitar provided the background music.

As for Mr. Fluffles, he became Sauron's official Petting Kitty, as those were very much in vogue with Dark Lords.

The end.

Dedicated to everyone who has even had an annoying hallmate.  
-Lú


End file.
